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Tripping Balls on the Light Fantastic

Maaaaatt daaaaaamon.

  1. Doctor Rocket Genius: A Study in the Art and Science of Making it Up as We Go Along

    For those few keeping tabs, I've moved from WordPress to a new blog on Tumblr.

    It's mostly another (most likely futile) attempt to get me to start writing again. Where the old blog was mostly bullshit and jokes about genitalia, I'm hoping this new minimalistic take will turn out to be a more artistic and intellectual endeavor. I figure I can use this blog here for all the dick jokes. Of course, over the few hours it's been active I've already called Sarah Palin a c**t three times, but ...
  2. Stupid Drunk Bitch: A Hard-Boiled Film Noir Love Story (featuring Ke$ha) Part II


    Out of nowhere this huge brown bastard appeared and twisted my arms behind me. Guy wasn't wearing nothing but a thong, and I could feel the heat from his bare skin through my shirt. Hate to admit it, but it wasn't the most uncomfortable feeling. He didn't have a hair on his body. It was like wearing a silk straitjacket. This shit was smooth.

    "Calm down, Andy," I said to his boss. "I just need some information. I'll make it worth
  3. Stupid Drunk Bitch: A Hard-Boiled Film Noir Love Story (featuring Ke$ha) Part I

    ACT I

    I knew I had a rough day ahead when I woke up tasting blood in my beer. What sunlight leaked through the grime on the window felt like battery acid on my skin. I couldn't hear the birds. But this is the real world. There are no birds, no flowers in the real world. Only this. Another day just like the last, the stench coming off me not so much cigarette smoke and vomit but regret and desperation. Also, the word COCK was written on my forehead. I guess I passed out around ...
  4. Holy Shit.

    I still cannot believe how badass this is. I've been on and off the phone the whole day with my new literary agent in New York. I can't believe I've got a fragging literary agent in New York.

    Holy shit, this could really be it.Great Pumpkin could actually be published someday soon.

    Holy shit. I'm this close to finally being able to call myself a writer.

    Holy shit.

    I ... holy shit.
  5. Goddamn You, Comedy Central.

    What did I say? Huh? What did I say?!?

    You assholes are not allowed to have a roast of David Hasselhoff until I become famous enough -- and then obscure enough -- to be the motherf**king roastmaster!!!

    You dumb knob-gobbling sons-of-bitches! You don't know him like I do! You don't know him like I do!!!! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!!

    Click image for larger version. 

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